A doctoral student in the United Kingdom is at daggers-drawn with the marriage committee of his church, the Deeper Bible Life Church in the UK for ruining his chances to marry two sisters he wanted to marry on two different occasions spanning over three years.
Oluwaferanmi Adeyemo, a doctoral student at Sheffield Hallam University, United Kingdom, said the Marriage Committee (MC) of his local branch of Deeper Life wasted his time for more than three years and left him single and depressed.
According to him, in Deeper Life, a man who sees a woman he likes cannot approach her but must go to the pastor who will then direct him to meet with the MC.
It is the duty of the MC to contact the lady in question and call for a meeting between her and the man who wants her to be his wife.
Feranmi accused his MC of foot-dragging and showing no interest in quick treatment of his issue.
He holds them responsible for him losing the two ladies he wanted to marry on two different occasions.
Read his full account below:
“I arrived in the UK in October 2020 as divinely orchestrated by God (Isaiah 61:6) following my Commonwealth Shared Scholarship award at City, University of London with a specific mandate to become a servant leader to both the church and youth community in the UK. Since then, I have not and have not been disobedient to this mandate as I have faithfully submitted myself to the church’s leadership and authority to serve in whatever capacity I find myself. More so, to make myself committed to the church, I made a personal decision to always report myself to the church’s leadership whenever I erred and made a commitment to give over 20% of my monthly stipends/salary towards the building of the local district I attended in Lagos before leaving for the UK among other things I do because I see the growth of the church as my own, thus following the sacrificial legacy of the G.S and other leaders I grew up to know. Furthermore, the second guidance I had before leaving for the UK in 2020 was that I would meet my spouse in the UK at the place of service, with the assurance that God would provide for me the best match who would support the fulfilment of God’s divine instructions and vision for my life.
Consequently, I was led to a sister in Plaistow sometime in April 2021 when I was not even thinking about marriage nor was I aware of who she was. However, due to subtle fear, I did not take any action until December 2021 because I wanted to be fully mentally prepared to undertake such a journey, especially as I was concerned about the need to extend my stay in the UK by proceeding to a PhD. After seeking counsel from the regional Pastor, I approached the MC on the 2nd of December where I informed them about my fears, particularly what I had seen about the MC from the experience of my friends and the ones I had heard while growing up because of the privilege I had to be close to members of the MC back in Nigeria.
Following over 6 months of waiting for the MC to give me feedback after frequent check-ins to know the situation of things, I was informed by the MC chairman that getting across to the lady in question was difficult as she was not ready to honour the MC’s invitation. I was worried about this because I do see her statuses online and wondered why such is happening. I discussed this with my pastor and mentioned that I might need to inform her about this so that she can honour the MC’s invitation – which I did in June 2022. My pastor consented to it but advised that I should carry the MC along which I did. During the conversation I had with her, she apologized and said she was not aware that I was the reason the MC had been trying to contact her and promised to honour the MC’s invitation. As a result, she visited the MC and informed the MC about her decision, but I was not privileged to know her decision at this time, so, I kept on patiently waiting and hoping for an outcome.
Surprisingly, the mother of the lady reached out to me and started engaging me in conversations with the assurance that all was well and that her daughter would come around. I was disturbed by this as this left me in a vulnerable position, and I immediately contacted my about my concerns and was counselled to be cautious as such shouldn’t have happened. This situation lingered for more than 2 years and there was a complete silence and I did not know who to talk to nor how to pray for the next steps to take. The impact of the associated silence, prolonged waiting and lack of communication began to take a toll on me emotionally and made me so fragile that it began to affect my productivity, mental health and eventually concentration on my PhD research. It got worse when one of the members of the MC called me to inform me that the MC had met with the sister months ago and she had told them that she was not interested in the process and requested for her file to be closed. In addition, the mother of the sister informed me that the sister had a similar leading as mine, but she was not willing to accept due to personal reasons which I later got to know. These reasons are the experience of her senior sister with the MC, the pressure mounted on her by the MC and the way the MC addressed her in a demeaning and condescending manner which made her become pressured and frustrated with the whole process while her senior sister is also being maltreated by the same committee.
The scary effect of all this was my inability to do anything on my research as I fell into depression and anxiety where I had to undergo 8 months (March – November 2023) of series and intense mental wellbeing sessions both at the NHS IAPT team, my university’s Wellbeing team as well as with the school’s Chaplaincy. Within this period, I went back to God in prayer, and I was led to Lamentations 3:26 “It is good that a man should both hope and quietly Wait for the salvation of the LORD.” This then became my only hope until I had 2 different reveries that the union was not going to hold, and there I was led to read the story of Saul and David. On this note, I went to the MC in 2023 and requested for my file to be closed for personal reasons. But to my surprise, I was faced with a series of questions with the assertion that “I have realized that I made a mistake regarding the leading, hence, the need to close the file.” I felt disturbed by such a comment, and I humbly requested some time to go and pray before making a final decision.
After prayerfully knowing that God has led me to another individual, I decided to take my time to recuperate from the emotional stress I went through for over 2 years, and because I do not want to rush into any new process in an unhealthy mental state. Therefore, I took my time to pray, get to know this individual this time around without making my intentions known and most especially focus on how to get back on track on my PhD. God answered my prayers and gave me complete soundness of mind until I felt I was ready to start with the new process. Therefore, on the 30th of January 2024, I closed the first file and opened a new one for the second sister on the 18th of February 2024. However, I thought there was a need to address the MC on my previous experience because I felt sad that I was ignored and left alone by the MC during the past 3 years, especially because I must return to the same Committee and region for the new process, I requested for a meeting with the MC on the 7th of April where I expressed my displeasure on being neglected and taken for granted, especially for the lack of communication for more than 2 years as well as the impact it had on my mental health that almost cost me my PhD research.
To my dismay, the MC gaslighted and watered down what I suffered with responses such as “Do you expect us to beg the sister to accept your proposal? “Your approach of informing her about the need to honour the MC’s invitation means that you have made your intention known to her and thus, you have indirectly proposed to her,” “the MC do not have the responsibility to disclose her decision to you as that was not the rules of engagement.” I was dumbfounded and the response I got left me in despair and tears that I wondered why I was being attacked by an institution I so much trusted and believed in for voicing my concerns and displeasure about something that almost cost me not just my wellbeing but my very life. Apparently, the message was clear – I had no right to hold the MC accountable or responsible for what transpired, particularly I cannot hold the MC accountable for not informing me about the decision of the first sister to withdraw from the process and to close her file. Although I left the meeting with sadness of heart, I made up my mind to continue with the new process as I believe that I have shared my mind and can now forget about the past and focus on the future. Meanwhile, I was also promised at the meeting that none of the discussions held would be used against me (though I had my reservations about such comments).
However, what happened following the meeting I had with the MC made it clear that the MC saw my approach as being disrespectful and harsh, an indication of being rebellious and or stubborn with the intention of not willing to submit to their leadership and authority (I got to know this by my interaction with some members of the Committee). No wonder, the treatment I received during the second process such as:
Frequent late response to my messages.
Lack of guidance on how to get my medical test done which led to many backs and forths between myself and the MC.
The impression given to the sister about me – that I am fighting with the MC and not willing to subject myself to the guidelines of the MC.
The instruction or advice given to the sister to stop communicating with me, in addition to how she started questioning my conviction and everything I did with an impression that my intention all along was to influence her into marrying me, even though she strongly believed that she was also led by God.
More so, because I approached the sister for her permission to approach the MC with her name to avoid a similar experience, this was seen as violating the rules of the MC, thus painting me in a bad light before the sister. Thankfully, I got to know that the sister had already told the MC about how she felt she was led by God to me, and that she was praying about me before I approached the MC with my letter of intent in January.
Lastly, even when I apologized for my approach in the way I engaged with the MC, the subsequent action and or reaction of the MC shows that the MC was reluctant to mediate in the process, especially to settle the misunderstanding between myself and the sister, even after I retracted my letter of withdrawal due to the heat I was feeling. The sister also withdrew hers, according to her after careful thought, prayers and advice from her mentors, thus, she cannot continue with the process after several pleadings I made because of the following specific terms:
– What is his conviction? Is it just based purely on the approval of his friends?
– Why did he choose to tell me before seeing the MC? Why did he not address his issues with the MC before coming to approach me?
– What was his purpose for introducing me to his friends and family before the MC process? Even though he did not directly introduce me as his fiancé, that was the feeling it carried.
On another front, I discussed the situation with my local pastor in Sheffield, and he directed me to reach out to my RO and see if there could be a way for him to mediate the situation. While I appreciate the sympathy and concern of the pastor, I was astonished by some of his responses in our conversation which made me question his leadership and regret discussing my situation with him. For instance, when he asked me to explain to him what happened and my request, I took my time to explain what had transpired from 2021 till date to him, only for him to reply with statements such as and I quote “You talk too much”, “I cannot reach out to the MC in Plaistow on your behalf, and I will tell you why…. that is not what I am being paid to do as a Pastor and if I am to mediate on your behalf, I will charge you for my time and I am sure you won’t be able to afford my time if you are struggling to pay £170 for your medical test.” I was not only disappointed because that was the first time I would be having a close interaction with him but I was also troubled that I could not trust him as my leader and or pastor(s) and by extension, the church I have submitted myself to faithfully for these many years to come to my aid and support me in seeing that the will and purpose of God for my life is being fulfilled.
Finally, after careful consideration of everything following the several attempts, I made to see if there is a way to resolve all that has happened, I began to question what is really the problem that cannot be resolved? Why am I being faced with so many hurdles with the MC? Why should I remain in a community where I do not feel a sense of belonging at a point in my life when I needed so much support in making one of the best decisions in life and the future? What exactly is my offence that the MC could not act through mediation to resolve all tensions and concerns as a way of internal administration? I believe that one of the roles of the MC should be dispute resolution and provide mediation support in ensuring that young adults in the church are guided in the right way to marital settlement. Lastly, I also questioned if what I experienced was in line with the teachings of love, kindness, forgiveness, and unity of the Bible under the tutelage of the Deeper Christian Life Ministry.
I have committed everything into God’s hands and concluded that there is no place for me anymore with the DLBC community in the UK because anytime and every time I go to the church or see those who are aware of all that transpired over the years act as if nothing has happened, I feel bitter and sad, which has the tendency to affect my faith and spiritual life as a whole – I cannot sacrifice my eternity and getting to heaven due to bitterness and sorrow of the heart. Consequently, I have made up my mind to accept everything as God’s will, especially as it is clear from all indications that I have been hindered from obeying the marital will of God for my life due to the perception the MC about my personality, and how I do not trust the MC to conduct a process that is fair and cordial according to the guidelines of the church’s MC process. While I have also concluded that maybe this is the cross I would have to bear – to be unmarried for me to get to heaven, as it is obvious that I cannot make the mistake of marrying outside the will and leading of God. Most importantly, I have made the resolution that nothing will make me leave the church as a result of this as that’s the advice of many who are privy to my experience.”
On Xm he wrote:
“Putting this out here in case anything should happen to me 👇
I have a story in the pipeline about my experience of 3 years of maltreatment, discrimination and abuse within the religious and @dclmhq church’s setting in the UK. I sent it to the church’s leadership with a request for an apology but instead, the church’s leadership is trying to threaten and silence me. I don’t know how this might end in case people don’t hear from me again!
“Here is a copy of the guideline.
The process involves you seeing someone you like or love and after praying about it, you’ll go and inform your pastor who’ll then direct you to go and meet the MC.
So according to the church’s MC guidelines as attached, I was supposed to be assigned to a case worker by the MC. But for 3 good years, none of them checked up on me and they all left me stranded and even when I came to them they kept insulting me, telling me how I have no right to hold them accountable, that the church is not paying them for their sacrifices and all.
Evidently, they’ve failed in all their duty of care towards me and they’re still saying they owe me no apology — apparently, they’re saying “go and do your worst.”
We’ll meet in court by God’s grace.”
